I can always remember since the time I was really little the need and desire to belong or be included. Whether it was the popular crowd in school, the adults or older kids at family gatherings, or even at church.... The "important" people always were the group I wanted to be INCLUDED in. I am sure it has a LOT to do with the many many many insecurities I have. So, here I am, this year, 2011, has proved to be a year of change for me. A new church, new friends, new responsibilities, new outlooks and views, new perspective, new feelings...new decade in life (30, which I find terrifing for some reason) yet the insecurity remains the same...until recently. Recently I had an opportunity to be involved in a venture that originally I thought would give me some more new perspectives and experiences. I was excited and ready, as usual when it comes to belonging, ready to jump in with both feet. I know! I know I come off strong sometimes...maybe even a little desperate?....but it was not until this venture that I realized that for the first time! Yes! Those who know me well, it finally clicked and I know you are not surprised that it took this long TO CLICK! LOL....Anyway, I realized in this venture that maybe through my desperation to belong and hide from my insecurity I was able to see a perspective that I believe and hope will change my life, my spiritual life forever. Maybe I won't completely overcome ALL my insecurities but it will allow me to handle and deal with them differently...by letting God handle and deal with them as HE wishes to do so versus me attempting to handle them in a way that puts me in complete control and without spending hours vocalizing unfiltered trash, frustaration, anger, etc... SO in this venture I naturally and desperately wanted to belong yet I didn't even realize until it was over that I was not wanted, invited, or included. As you can imagine, based on my earlier statements, that this was very hurtful to me and so hard for me to understand. As I began to pray and ask for God's understanding, I put all my usual "quiet time rituals" aside (memory verse, goals and prayers for a successful tomorrow, etc.) and all I coould do was ask as broken as possible, please God, help me understand over and over and over again. I was so confused. What I thought was not and the expectations I had were quickly shattered. I just simply did not understand and because of my desperation to belong, it hurt. Within this venture, as a little time passed, I began to realize that I put all those feelings on myself. No one is responsible for them but me. I begin to self reflect and go through many many scenarios in my head, replaying situations and conversations trying to create some sort of understanding in my head. As I continue to not understand I found myself confiding in one of my closest friends as my venture continued. (I am reminded of a friend at work who calls me a "Poller" because I tend to poll people I trust in collecting opinions when I need to make a decision or understand something). As a little more time passed and many more "Help me understand God" prayers, I find a sense of peace; standing right beside me. It is the answer to the prayer I had been asking. I suddenly had an epiphany (very few people know, but Scott knows very well, that this is one of my favorite words---a sudden realization) ...that the situation that had me so stumped was a way for God to reveal to me a direction He wanted to send me. I am excited because it is a place my heart really feels is the right place and I know I am going to learn and grow so much! I know that the weight of my insecurities are still there...all of them, but I feel confident that I am going to have some awesome help and guidance to help carry, breakdown, and dissolve them over time. So, a venture that caused me confusion, stress, mental exhaustion, and hurt; led me to my first real insight into hearing God's voice. Praise God! Praise God!
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades; never ending your glory goes beyond all fame; and the cry of my heart is to BRING YOU PRAISE! From the INSIDE OUT Oh my soul cries out!
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