I can always remember since the time I was really little the need and desire to belong or be included. Whether it was the popular crowd in school, the adults or older kids at family gatherings, or even at church.... The "important" people always were the group I wanted to be INCLUDED in. I am sure it has a LOT to do with the many many many insecurities I have. So, here I am, this year, 2011, has proved to be a year of change for me. A new church, new friends, new responsibilities, new outlooks and views, new perspective, new feelings...new decade in life (30, which I find terrifing for some reason) yet the insecurity remains the same...until recently. Recently I had an opportunity to be involved in a venture that originally I thought would give me some more new perspectives and experiences. I was excited and ready, as usual when it comes to belonging, ready to jump in with both feet. I know! I know I come off strong sometimes...maybe even a little desperate?....but it was not until this venture that I realized that for the first time! Yes! Those who know me well, it finally clicked and I know you are not surprised that it took this long TO CLICK! LOL....Anyway, I realized in this venture that maybe through my desperation to belong and hide from my insecurity I was able to see a perspective that I believe and hope will change my life, my spiritual life forever. Maybe I won't completely overcome ALL my insecurities but it will allow me to handle and deal with them differently...by letting God handle and deal with them as HE wishes to do so versus me attempting to handle them in a way that puts me in complete control and without spending hours vocalizing unfiltered trash, frustaration, anger, etc... SO in this venture I naturally and desperately wanted to belong yet I didn't even realize until it was over that I was not wanted, invited, or included. As you can imagine, based on my earlier statements, that this was very hurtful to me and so hard for me to understand. As I began to pray and ask for God's understanding, I put all my usual "quiet time rituals" aside (memory verse, goals and prayers for a successful tomorrow, etc.) and all I coould do was ask as broken as possible, please God, help me understand over and over and over again. I was so confused. What I thought was not and the expectations I had were quickly shattered. I just simply did not understand and because of my desperation to belong, it hurt. Within this venture, as a little time passed, I began to realize that I put all those feelings on myself. No one is responsible for them but me. I begin to self reflect and go through many many scenarios in my head, replaying situations and conversations trying to create some sort of understanding in my head. As I continue to not understand I found myself confiding in one of my closest friends as my venture continued. (I am reminded of a friend at work who calls me a "Poller" because I tend to poll people I trust in collecting opinions when I need to make a decision or understand something). As a little more time passed and many more "Help me understand God" prayers, I find a sense of peace; standing right beside me. It is the answer to the prayer I had been asking. I suddenly had an epiphany (very few people know, but Scott knows very well, that this is one of my favorite words---a sudden realization) ...that the situation that had me so stumped was a way for God to reveal to me a direction He wanted to send me. I am excited because it is a place my heart really feels is the right place and I know I am going to learn and grow so much! I know that the weight of my insecurities are still there...all of them, but I feel confident that I am going to have some awesome help and guidance to help carry, breakdown, and dissolve them over time. So, a venture that caused me confusion, stress, mental exhaustion, and hurt; led me to my first real insight into hearing God's voice. Praise God! Praise God!
Everlasting your light will shine when all else fades; never ending your glory goes beyond all fame; and the cry of my heart is to BRING YOU PRAISE! From the INSIDE OUT Oh my soul cries out!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Just the begining
So I decided I might join this blog fad that is starting up. (Thanks Christi for the encouragement with your blogs ;) ) Will I continue it? Who knows. I just feel right now, that there are so many things inside me changing and battling that I feel that maybe, just maybe, if I "bloggit" I might be able to straighten some of myself out. I....pray...and it helps. I know Christ is there to guide me through my way...in a way...I feel like this is an extension of my prayers. For those who know me well...or even not well...they know I am an open book....so it won't be any surprises that I put my life in a blog. Here is my disclaimer though. I am not going to check my spelling or grammar. I am really not going to make sure I make sense he he he...for now, this is for me. My goal is to, right now, straighten out some thoughts and what better way then to journal them in a blog. So here I go:
I was 17 when I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I don't really remember understanding much about it, but I knew it was something I was lacking in my life. From there I went through ups and downs in my Christian walk and did not really ever have any true discipleship from anyone at first. Then there was Trinity Baptist Temple and the college and career clan...Joseph, John, Becky, Brandon, Jennifer, Aaron, Heather...I really enjoyed these times. There were lots of concerts, lots of deep discussions, lots of learning from Sal and lots of convictions from Bro. Woody. Although I was there...I am pretty sure I was caught up more in a relationship with people then with Christ. I did grow and I did develop a closer walk with Christ, but I am not sure I really invested in my relationship with Christ more than with the social time. Ten years pass and within those ten years I married, served in ministry as a youth leader's wife (not a very good one to that matter) and also became a mother. I was still very selfish. I did not seek God outside of a church service. I wanted to, but I did not want to put forth the effort to do so. So fast forward ten years....here I am, back at TBT...and loving it. Seeking God, probably for the first time in my life and I am beside myself. I am a control FREAK! I have listened to the word of God being preached and many times have even taught it myself. I would not call myself a baby Christian but I feel the work God is doing right now...really the fact that I am listening to Him ...I feel Him working....it is refreshing, it is joyful...it is...overwhelming. It is exhausting. The constant battle inside me to kill off the flesh...and let the spirit reign through me...is a lot of work. Work that is well worth it and like I said incredibly joyful and amazing. But what do you do with it. It is no secret that I am impatient. I am better then I used to be ...but the impatience still remains. I yearn to be in the presence of God continuously...and for the most part, I am. I wake up with Him on my mind, I drive to work...I start the work day with Him...then people come in to work. People I enjoy but with the people brings the hustle and bustle....which starts my extremely busy day. See, I am incredibly dedicated to working and to my job. I like working and I like my job...and although I make decisions and most of my actions reflect a love for God...I find myself ending the day, getting in my car and trying to figure out when I thought about God last. I don't like it. I want every minute of my day to be engulfed with thoughts of Him. So as I have been praying and will continue to pray for His guidance, my biggest fear is will I miss His message? If my desire is to be engulfed in Him every minute of the day...and I have a job that keeps me so engulfed in it...does that mean...to quit...or am I taking control again? So I guess I should have added in my disclaimer the warning of rambling that makes no sense...but remember this is just my blank piece of paper to get thoughts out in order to organize my brain. Another thing most people know about me is my OCD syndrome with organization and if my brain is a jumbled mess...well, I turn into a jumble mess. So I know the answers to all this is just more prayer and seeking ot God within His word, which I am dedicated to doing as well as, developing a much stronger relationship with the Lord. I have wonderful people in my life, Allison, Julie, Sarah, Mrs. Debi (Oh how I love her!), Mrs. Regina, to name just a FEW...I am so glad God brought us back to Trinity...I couldn't ask for a better place to be to grow in the Lord and have awesome discipleship! I love you guys and I thank God for Allison and Mrs. Jeanie Noble for the messages at the Women's Retreat and Sarah's encouragement as I cried helplessly out for a renewed relationship with Christ. maybe that is just it...maybe I am so emotional tonight because I am just so overwhelmingly thankful....
Praise God, Praise God....PRAISE GOD!
I was 17 when I accepted Christ as my Saviour. I don't really remember understanding much about it, but I knew it was something I was lacking in my life. From there I went through ups and downs in my Christian walk and did not really ever have any true discipleship from anyone at first. Then there was Trinity Baptist Temple and the college and career clan...Joseph, John, Becky, Brandon, Jennifer, Aaron, Heather...I really enjoyed these times. There were lots of concerts, lots of deep discussions, lots of learning from Sal and lots of convictions from Bro. Woody. Although I was there...I am pretty sure I was caught up more in a relationship with people then with Christ. I did grow and I did develop a closer walk with Christ, but I am not sure I really invested in my relationship with Christ more than with the social time. Ten years pass and within those ten years I married, served in ministry as a youth leader's wife (not a very good one to that matter) and also became a mother. I was still very selfish. I did not seek God outside of a church service. I wanted to, but I did not want to put forth the effort to do so. So fast forward ten years....here I am, back at TBT...and loving it. Seeking God, probably for the first time in my life and I am beside myself. I am a control FREAK! I have listened to the word of God being preached and many times have even taught it myself. I would not call myself a baby Christian but I feel the work God is doing right now...really the fact that I am listening to Him ...I feel Him working....it is refreshing, it is joyful...it is...overwhelming. It is exhausting. The constant battle inside me to kill off the flesh...and let the spirit reign through me...is a lot of work. Work that is well worth it and like I said incredibly joyful and amazing. But what do you do with it. It is no secret that I am impatient. I am better then I used to be ...but the impatience still remains. I yearn to be in the presence of God continuously...and for the most part, I am. I wake up with Him on my mind, I drive to work...I start the work day with Him...then people come in to work. People I enjoy but with the people brings the hustle and bustle....which starts my extremely busy day. See, I am incredibly dedicated to working and to my job. I like working and I like my job...and although I make decisions and most of my actions reflect a love for God...I find myself ending the day, getting in my car and trying to figure out when I thought about God last. I don't like it. I want every minute of my day to be engulfed with thoughts of Him. So as I have been praying and will continue to pray for His guidance, my biggest fear is will I miss His message? If my desire is to be engulfed in Him every minute of the day...and I have a job that keeps me so engulfed in it...does that mean...to quit...or am I taking control again? So I guess I should have added in my disclaimer the warning of rambling that makes no sense...but remember this is just my blank piece of paper to get thoughts out in order to organize my brain. Another thing most people know about me is my OCD syndrome with organization and if my brain is a jumbled mess...well, I turn into a jumble mess. So I know the answers to all this is just more prayer and seeking ot God within His word, which I am dedicated to doing as well as, developing a much stronger relationship with the Lord. I have wonderful people in my life, Allison, Julie, Sarah, Mrs. Debi (Oh how I love her!), Mrs. Regina, to name just a FEW...I am so glad God brought us back to Trinity...I couldn't ask for a better place to be to grow in the Lord and have awesome discipleship! I love you guys and I thank God for Allison and Mrs. Jeanie Noble for the messages at the Women's Retreat and Sarah's encouragement as I cried helplessly out for a renewed relationship with Christ. maybe that is just it...maybe I am so emotional tonight because I am just so overwhelmingly thankful....
Praise God, Praise God....PRAISE GOD!
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