As time goes by...

Do you ever feel like, you aren't "you" anymore (not for the better)?  Then wonder, what changed you?  And why?  I really do believe that your experiences and how you handle them mold you into who you become or who you are. Lately, I have been feeling really convicted about my actions, probably more of my reactions. They're not good y'all and I don't know when or how I became this person that thinks so negatively and critical. So critical of other people and close-minded on how others act.  I know it's good that I have realized it but, man, I can seem to figure out how to stop it of change it. Years ago someone told me to stop being the victim. I think I did really well for a while and then...all of a sudden...here I am, te victim again.  Even knowing what Jesus did for me, the ilia te sacrifice I still struggle "oh poor me!"  It's even starting to come out in my closest friendships. Getting my feelings hurt easily and feeling sorry for myself. "How can a good friend, someone I trusted and opened myself up to, hurt me so?"  Blech!  Get over it. Super sensitive and pitty parties are ridiculous!!  I want to change but can't seem to change my stubborn brain!  I feel like I can track back my bitterness to a pretty big deal. It doesn't seem like a big deal but I really feel like the experience that developed this hard heart and bitterness was at Allstate. I had given so much time and heart into that job, all to be told (through actions not words) that all my heart and exceptional work was nothing. I would not advance into a position I was more than qualified for. Life is hard and unfair and it hurts. We don't necessarily understand why all the time. We need to learn from our experiences in a positive way and not allow them to create us into monsters. I rarely listen to my own advice. It's so easy to tell people what they should do but when it comes to you actually having to do it, I fail!  I let bitterness and a hardened heart drive so much in my life. Ministry, friendship, job to job. When will I take accountability that I am the way I am because I let an experience create a monster. Now here I am, 2 1/2 years later...how do I undo it all. How do I go back to being the person I was who believed good in people and my way isn't the only way. I'm not sure. I want to take what I've learned from the experiences and mold them into positive learnings.  Things I can learn to influence and lead in a positive light. Lord help me, help me flip this anger and butterness into love and obedience to find your desires for my life. Your desires for my experiences.

Where are You leading me?

So I know You are leading me somewhere.  Somewhere away from where I am, but I don't see where yet. I'm want to be patient; I know your timing is the only right timing, but I sure want to know now.  I've been feeling it lately, leading me away from where I am.  Today you confirmed it.  I've never felt needed in my entire life than I do right now.  My children need me and it hurts that I am not here for them.  I know you will show me Your plan when Your time is right.  Help me patient for it, help me to see it, my heart to be open for it and to be obedient to whatever the calling is, wherever it is, whenever it is, no matter what others may say or think...no matter what I say or think.  Because I know in the end it is Your will and will give me the opportunity to be the servant, wife, and mother you've called me to be.  In the meantime, watch over my precious children.  Keep them safe physically and emotionally.  Keep them safe from evil.  

Bless the Lord, Oh my soul

Have you ever actually comprehended the words of the song 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman?  Not only have I sung this song many many times in church and heard it on the radio or my pandora stations, but I also own the song.  It is not unusual for me not to really know the lyrics of a song.  Scott and I discuss this all the time. He hears music and he first hears the lyrics. I hear music and the first thing I notice is typically the beat.  So it was no surprise to him when I mentioned, "have you ever listened to the words of that song?"  Tonight I had the opportunity to, once again, sing this song at church, but tonight...it was different.

"Bless the Lord, Oh my soul"-so many times, we ask the Lord to bless our soul...when we really should be asking our soul, to bless the Lord.

"Worship His Holy name"-again, we tend to show up for worship, for us, versus the Lord, who we should be showing up to worship.

Then the part that got to me the most:

"The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning.  It's time to sing your song again.  Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me.  Let me be singing when the evening comes."-it's not singing literally...I mean it is but its more like living.  No matter what life has thrown at me yesterday or what it throws at me 5 minutes from now, I should be singing when the evening comes.

Then it goes on and lists the many promises in God's character, things I strive for, or should be striving for.

I praise God for the lyrics and talents He gives to people.  I am passionate about music and I am so thankful He uses music to speak to me, encourage me, and even convict me as this song did tonight.  Dear Lord, help my sould to bless you!

Where's my Effort at?

I've struggled lately....  I put so much effort towards the next level.  Why?  To gain worldly things?  Things that have temporal meaning?  I need to change my effort level on everything in life. Less effort on the things of this world:  success, prosperity, advancement, stuff...  More effort on God.  I want people to look at me and say, "is that all she cares about....God?  That's all she talks about....she kind of sounds like she's lost it". I don't want people to think of me as someone who put a lot of effort into my job or success or goals.  I want to be the person who put all my most effort into Christ.  I want to desire His will.  I want that desire to be so empowering that it is all I can think about. Math at I am impatient for it and I strive for it. Not just for a moment or based off a whim of emotion, I want the desire to be permanent.  Something that never goes away.  I want it to consume me.

Lord, don't let that desire fade.  Help it to burn and be a constant reminder....especially tomorrow.

Goals - Post #7 Day One of the Rest of My Life

How quickly fires burn out.  Our excitement and desire fades.  How quickly a person of routine quickly strays.  That's what this past week has been.  I went out of town for work and quickly convinced myself I was too tired, too busy or just badly lacking self discipline to follow through with my goals.  I even had excuses, not good ones, but excuses to convince myself not to keep up with my goals.  How quickly we fall.  So here I am, trying to start again, on a day where I didn't really give much thought to my goals.  Luckily my commitment to read the bible continued, mostly, I did miss a day or two, but of all my goals, this one stood firm.  I'm not going to write out each goal today simply because I didn't put much thought into them as the day progressed.  I have read my bible, I do plan to floss, although I'm super tired.  I returned to spin class today and my body is in somewhat of a shock!  Again, another excuse Lol!  I appreciated my kids today as they hung out in my office while I worked and I do believe I was quite encouraging to my new guy at work helping him and encouraging him as I walked him through work and helped him learn different pieces of work.  

I love this new song my Matthew West, it couldn't be more encouraging to me on a day like today.

http://youtu.be/Qq2Tp3asLU8

Goals - Post #6

#7 Floss Daily

Yeppers!

#6 Stay with your budget

Again, weekends seem to be budgetsless so I guess I'm doing ok today.

#5 Appreciate Now

I am thankful for our church.  The people are always so loving, I adore so many of them. Mother are family.  The leadership stays focused on the Lord and is not consumed with number of people that walk in the door, but more importantly the number of sould that surrender To the Lord.  I am thankful for those I serve in ministry with and I lift them up to the Lord.  Today, I laid a special very important person before the Lord at the alter.  I pray for their salvation and complete surrender to the Lord.  I will persevere because I have faith as long as I am obedient He will answer my prayer.

#4 Encourage More

Hmmm....I am encouraging someone from the sidelines today.  Not in any public way but simply lifting them up to the Lord.  For growth and strength, obedience and faithfulness.

#3 Quit Complaining

Again, today, I found that I complained a little more.  It is ironic that I complained more this weekend than I have at work this past week.  I guess it just shows I need to be just as aware and prayerful at home as I need to be at work.  

#2 Observe More, Speak Less

I found myself getting caught up in the fun and not really focusing on this.  It is at this time, that I feel I should be most aware of my observing and my speaking. 

#1 Read your Bible Daily

Yes :)

Goals - Post #5

#7 Floss  Daily
Why of course!  Twice actually, if you count getting a piece of coconut out of my back teeth :)

#6 Give myself a Budget and Stick with it
It is Saturday, a little more difficult for Goal #2.  I kind of consider the weekends budgetless since we stay so busy.  I spent more at Starbucks than I usually do but in return was able to bless two people special to me in the process!  We ate out for lunch since we were on the run.  Other than that...I don't think any other money was really spent.

#5 Appreciate Now
I got to spend some time with Abigail today.  She decided at the last minute she wanted to get her hair cut so we did.  It is really cute.  I enjoyed sharing that time with her and that excitement as well.  Time with the BFF is always great and I got to try out the new Costco...I love it.  Totally becoming a member as soon as I get back from Orlando.  Got to spend time with mom and Nanny too.  It was nice.  Also played Candy Land with Scott and the kids and didn't mind that I lost!

#4 Encourage More
I had the opportunity to bless two of my friends with Starbucks but also bless an entire family that I adore.  Each member with such as special friend for different reasons.  I pray for their loss but Praise God for sharing their special service with me.  I pray that I was able to provide some comfort in a sincere and loving hug and my prayers.  I still have not addressed all those letters I have.  I really need to do it before I leave for Orlando!!

#3 Quit Complaining
I found myself complaining a little more today.  Most of it was just sharing a couple scenarios with Scott and the BFF.  Do you think confiding in people is bad?  I mean the world says to confide, get it off your chest, is all ok, but what does the Lord say!?  Should we not even notice those situations where we feel like we should be confiding in???  Should we be looking the other way completely to the extent that it does not even bother us???  Is it a heart issue that we "feel the need" to divulge these scenarios or situations to other people, even if it is people we trust wholeheartedly?

#2 Observe More, Speak Less
I'm really failing at this.  I think sometimes I might observe more but the Speak Less really does come as a difficult task for me.  Sometimes I feel like I should just put a huge piece of duck tape on my mouth just so I'd remember to speak less.  It is not that what I am saying is bad.  It is usually random or worthless ramble that means nothing.  I just want to be still and quiet and observe what I am missing.  I don't want to be so loud that I don't hear God speak.

#1 Read my Bible Daily
I am loving the Bible App.  Don't get me wrong, I still love holding the Bible in my hands and flipping through the delicate pages.  Something about having it in your hands; it becomes tangible, so real.  BUT I like that I can see what people I am close to are reading.  It is an encouragement to see it.  I like that I can  <3 what people are reading and vice versa.  I like seeing others interacting with the Lord's Word and interacting with me and what I am learning, reading, and experiencing within the Bible.  Today I continue to read Proverbs.  Such widom that encourages, guides, and fulfills me.  Praise the Lord!